Thursday, 28 June 2018

A present


back at it again.
the worries, the overthinking and the heartbreaks. 
why is it so difficult to let the past behind?
to let your burden down for once, and to not care.

a punishment delivered with a box wrapped around neatly,
with a little note tied between a lovely ribbon written,
"small gift for taking something that was never belong to you".

i've made someone feel less a whole, and now it's my turn.
the tables have turned. and it's turning to me. 

it's time to face it. to inhale all the poisonous fragrance of guiltiness and sorrows.  
giving the heart the solid truth of what the cruel world have shaped me. 
there's no point of being strong and denial. because the truth kept on coming at you, pulling you into the black hole and there's no way out. 

i'll eventually rot myself with the memories i once admire.
eating my very last soul before i was rest. in hell.

Saturday, 23 June 2018

Left flowers on the floor

Disclaimer: this is a very late post because i kept on procrastinating. 

2017 was definitely all about concerts. To sum up my year, here's another one.

December '17 was the month I've been looking forward so much, this is because I'm finally free from all the assignments I had for the term. Not quite aware if anyone notice but my schedule was so packed compare to my first year, which is so so stressful. Well I do have time to have fun in between but the assignments just kept on kicking in and catching all the deadlines always had been a struggle. I noticed that all my previous blog posts are about schools, studies and stress, and I seriously think that this has been my life ever since. But this is not what this post is about.

So here's what happened, the usual Friday was my last class of the term. Had a good dinner and I've packed my bags to leave Reading. Next day, Saturday, this is where the truest adventure begins. Hopped on a train to Birmingham in the morning hoping everything will go as planned however I stopped at the wrong station because I didn't know there was two stations in Birmingham. But someone had sorted out for me. Continuing with the journey, went to the Christmas market (which is actually my first time seeing Christmas being so festive just like hari raya but with beers and winter clothing), visited a museum being all touristy and then checking in to the Airbnb and had lunch, late lunch actually. Side note: if you're a Malaysian and you wanted Malaysian food in Birmingham, you can try Malaysian Delight or D'rasa. To me they're not the best but they're okay. And the Airbnb we stayed was really cozy and sparkling clean and the host was very helpful and nice too! It felt like our own home.

So the reason why I was in Birmingham, I came to see LANY perform! Super excited since its my first ever gig in UK. I loved loved loved LANY so much! As predicted they were amazing and if there's a chance for me to go for their gigs again, I would (obviously). Comparing the gigs back in Asia that I've went, the crowd there weren't as crazy as in Asia. Like no one actually like rushed in to the hall to get their perfect stand or seat like everyone was pretty chill. They were calm which I was quite surprised. Well the fact that it's cold outside the line weren't that long, usually in Asia, fans starts queuing as early as 3pm. All in all, twas a well spent night.

To make it more special, that was the first time I've experienced snow. It was so magical waking up in Birmingham. The white thick snow covering up roads and pavements, clean and mesmerising, a disguise to what it was before. The truth is, the whole snow experience isn't what it is. The bus got stranded, train was delayed, shoes got soaked and I was battling through the heavy snowfalls for an hour. But one thing that is true was that it felt magical. The whole experience is. This is one of those memories I'll never forget. My first snow angel made, my first attempt in making a snowman and my first snowball fight with my love.

Tuesday, 12 December 2017

It could be love

The xx – Live in Singapore at Singapore Indoor Stadium: 25 July 2017 
If there was a moment I could relive over and over again, it would be this concert. Never had I ever imagined twenty years of living, I would actually be standing literally in front of the stage with no strangers head blocking, no hands recording, no nothing, just Romy, Oliver and Jamie. I was over the moon. I'm assuming that there was a little leprechaun fell into one of my pockets because getting a front row in that huge standing zone was all pure luck. It was crazy that it felt like a dream. Well it was always like a dream of mine. Again, an ordinary Borneon girl, turning her dreams into plans. The xx was my ultimate jam. When they released their latest album "I See You", I told myself they were too good to be true. It gets better when they released their tour dates and Singapore was on the list. So me and girlfriends went. The thing about concerts is that, it made me so feel alive that I could be myself surrounded by thousands of people. And the way it speaks the language that I couldn't express with my own words is wonderful. I don't think I would get tired going to concerts. At all. I don't care how many hours I've wasted for queuing and standing in the crowd because it's worth the money I've spent on. I bet this experience comes once in a lifetime, and I'm grateful that I've been blessed with this kind of experience. I will try not to brag about it anymore, sorry.

But one more thing! Look who's face made it to the thexx official instagram, me! So I'm wrapping this throwback up with some pictures I took during the concert. Cheers to more great concerts ahead of me!

Oliver: this next song im going to dedicate to all the single people. 
               *intensive stage lighting in the background, plays fiction*


Thursday, 31 August 2017

A field of lavender

Let me take you back to January 16th, 2017. The day where dreams were no longer dreams.

Who would've imagined for an ordinary Borneon girl blasting Two Door Cinema Club's Beacon album in her bedroom when she was only fifteen had finally gotten the opportunity to see the band perform live. Yes, it was surreal that I had to scream my lungs out and sing along even when I've forgotten some of the lyrics which ruined most of the videos I took. So, there I was, made my way through crowds to see one of my favourite band performing live right in front of me was definitely satisfying. Worth the money and the time spent to travel to Singapore, even it involves waking up at five the next morning to drive back Malaysia for class at nine. Fyi, the concert was on Monday which luckily my class was in the morning. Student struggle free. It's noticeable from the pictures that I was a little too far from the stage but believe me, the sound system was so good that you don't really have time to be upset to not being able to stand close to the stage because they sounded really really good. Side note: I almost cried because they're too good to be true c': Whatever it is, they sang beautifully and I can say that I was mesmerised for two hours. For those who never went for concerts before, go. You will feel different sorts of emotions but it's the kind of satisfying emotions. Which is good, makes you feel lighten up. 

This, Two Door Cinema Club concert was really something special to me, it reminds me that great things happened when you wait. It might take a few years, but it was definitely worth the wait and I wouldn't trade this experience with anything else because I was beyond happy. Forgetting all the worries, the sadness, the heartbreaks, I was living the my dream.

All pictures were taken by me and was shot using iPhone 6s in case you're wondering why it's a little glitchy. 

Thursday, 13 July 2017

Good chicken wings

taken at flowers in the window, jalan dhoby, johor bahru.

Little did I know, nine months ago I just started my undergraduate programme. New beginnings scares me as it doesn't seem like the path that I was supposed to be on. Lost and confused, that's what I was. At one point, I somehow wished there was a manual guide in guiding life until I realised that I was just a little paranoid after all. And that's where I ended up accepting taking a construction field course. Not after high school I imagined myself doing physics calculations all over again and the coolest thing is, I sat for my exams and I finished my first year(!)

So basically what I learned during the first year, was its okay to be or feel stupid and being lost doesn't seem to be a bad thing. Especially when deciding if everything is going to work, when you thought first choices are always going to be the best choice you'll make, to be really honest, it doesn't. Something else might be coming your way and you just have to learn to accept. At first I find it very very difficult to cope up (still is tho) with all the endless assignments where I have to constantly bragging but still working in catching up deadlines because during foundation, we had plenty of time to just focus on few modules and less assignments AND also because I procrastinate a lot because that's nature right(?) you can say I'm not prepared at all. The saddest thing is there was no heads up, no nothing, you just have to flow with it. Oh! One funny story is that I remembered the first day of coming up to class, so the lecturer was passing around assignment brief and the first word I saw was "Contouring" and the only contouring I know was make up contouring, and at that very moment I knew I'm screwed. Well it's not that funny.... sorry. 

Months after months, I started to understand that no matter whatever you do, the misery won't end. It keeps on coming one after another and then one after another just like trains, sometimes both trains depart in the same time and then you know you're screwed. Side note: im not really good with metaphors but I hope you get me. What surprises me is the whole experience had made me look at things in a different perspective, as finding alternatives and just keep on swimming! When I say alternatives, I meant my assignments, as they don't always fall in place as I had expected so always make sure you have a Plan B.

But! There's always a time for you to have fun. Always, always and always keep yourself surrounded with positivity. I would just buy myself a bus ticket and next thing I know I'm already in Singapore meeting Lang Leav for her meet & greet. And I would just dress nicely, drive myself to a cafe carrying my thick ass law notes and order myself chicken wings and literally spend my whole day alone studying in that cafe. Plus, the cafe playlist was cool that made me stay for hours! This is how I define fun.

If I survived first year, so can you. 

their chicken wings are good c:

Sunday, 15 November 2015

When it's time to grow up

Trying to accept things beyond your comfort zone can be really, really hard. The heart and mind was always fighting which to satisfy first, the needs or the wants, but we all know both can't win. In my case, they both won. I quit my previous college, and moved forward living my sort-of dream university. Been awhile I wasn't home, been more than a month but kept turning back and forth being homesick and being all baby to face the reality, well not exactly what I wanted lah but somehow. To actually being here and sit, turns out pretty cool. I mean like how it is neatly organise and how punctual and specific and professional I shall say, despite having a few test on the first day of orientation (because to be honest, they just don't care what you had on your previous exams and what they do care is what we are now). All I can say, it's super challenging when it comes to new base, and I know nothing about anything, but that's what the whole plan of going here duh. Besides, it is still an amazing experience to meet people who came from different sorts of background. Also an eye opener to new exposure.

In terms of the University environment, everything is wonderful. Everything is newly equip. There's only Foundation students conquering that big new building, which was probably around 35-40, unfortunately that moment lasted about a week until the seniors moved in. Although there's some construction is still going on on that new building so far it didn't bother at all, I was enjoying every bit of the pleasure I can ever get. Was totally in love with the uni's interior, it's very minimalist. Plus the walking distance from my hostel to the university it's just probably around 7 minutes or less, no joke. But recently, I'd been hopping rides with hostel friends which saves up my energy plus the haze was really bad during September and early October.

Beside being caught up with the studies, I'm trying my best to get involved helping around events held by the university. Halloween night was the first in line, I'm guessing next it's for the open day and the Christmas event. Wanted to participate more because during high school I totally blew it off. And on Wednesday, I'll usually go for a swim because it's the only exercise I know that doesn't involve sweating (yes, lol). Not much but this are the ones who occupied my days here and it's a very nice place to explore new adventures.

Friday, 4 September 2015

Forever and more

Sometimes it's tough for me to go through downfalls. I hate mistakes. And I hate myself for making the mistakes and to feel like a total failure. But that's not life without mistakes, we all go through those tough times. I'd always blamed myself for what I'd done, all those careless mistakes I made and those frowns on my parents face. I know I have much to learn but to fail, that was never an excuse, I created them. Those mistakes I made hunt me down, day and night, and I was beginning to feel anxious and restless about it until I found my pill.

My guy.

Whenever he's around all those anxiousness I had in me was gone. It felt like I was completely high on drugs or something that made forget all my worries. Every time he holds my hand, every word that came out from his mouth comfort me, so much. That I started to get addicted. But it's wonderful. The fact of knowing that someone is there, willingly, to love me, it is still indescribable. Every joy that he had brought, every songs that he had sang, it forever will remind me that love exist. Soon there will be a distance, a border that kept us away. A few more days to spare, but forever more to drown in love.
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